McAdoo, Mon Ami

By Benjamin Brunner

In the Second Edition of the New York Giants Advice Column, I’d like to first unabashedly and outrageously pat myself on the back (not the backside — that would be sexual harassment) and say: I BELIEVE I HAD THAT!

Back to my sage wisdom. It seems that the also-ran of Manhattan now needs a coach too. Ben McAdoo is now McAdieu, Ben. Next they’ll toss the General Manager. Wait…he’s been booted too? Now if only they’d boot the other bad team. They should replace the stadium marquee with “EVERYTHING MUST GO!”

Speaking of bankruptcy, I can think of a place just two-hundred and seventy-five miles south on I-95 that has EVERYTHING you need. Come to Bruce Allen’s House of Deals! You won’t believe what you see when you flip over the tag on their Quarterback! Only $23.9 million! That’s 20% more than last year! What a deal you could make if you take Kirk Cousins home today! He’s draining us dry! Get him now, before prices go up by 40% next year!

…but seriously, the Giants can afford to sign him. There’s also a guy who appears to not be busy, who used to LOVE coaching Kirk. His name starts with an “M” and ends with an “ike Shanahan”. Pick up Scot McCloughan as your new GM (he also thinks Cousins deserves a big deal [Source] ), and voila! The gang’s all back together in the Big Apple! All you’d need is for the New York Times to run a story about how Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, Brad Garrett and Vince Vaughn are now claiming that the name “Giants” is cultural appropriation.

That’s Just My Three Cents

BB

 

The End of All Manning-Kind

By Benjamin Brunner

 

Did you hear the news? Eli Manning got benched! If you didn’t know, you obviously don’t subscribe to social media, because everyone who’s a fan of number 10 (besides fans of Megan Markle…she’s a ten on my list) is deliriously despaired. “This is the first time he hasn’t started since 2004!” “Where will he go next year?” “Will Ben McAdoo get fired?” “The Giants are tanking!” “My fantasy team!” “No one’s left to beat Brady!”

Stop.

This is bad for us, because now we get double the Manning-exposure (the Nationwide commercials are officially surpassing the Progressive commercials on the Unbearable Commercials Chart). However, it could be good for the Giants. Coughlin is gone. Even before he left, his coach-quarterback duet with Eli only had one claim to fame…they could beat the Patriots. Ever since McAdoo came to town, it’s been pretty quiet. Maybe it’s time to rethink the franchise. I heard Jeff Fisher wants to coach in the NFL again…sorry, that was a terrible joke. Seriously though, the days of Odell Beckham’s one-handed catch and Victor Cruz’s salsa dancing are in the rear view mirror. Change is good. Don’t be sad that it’s over, be happy that it happened. And if you’re smart, never use two cliches in the same column like I just did. That’s a Giant no-no. Watch it on the puns too.

So I hope we all learned something here today. Geno Smith is not the future of any New York team. Tom Brady is unstoppable. And don’t worry about Eli Manning. He’ll be back to playing in no time. Or he could always retire and do insurance commercials that are about everything except insurance.

That’s just My Three Cents
BB

The Regents Cup, 2017

Note: I currently have the privilege of attending a fine university, with a rich history in sports and countless opportunities for students in journalism. I now have a sports talk radio show, “GullTalk Live!”, and I am surrounded by many incredible athletes, writers, announcers, and Radio DJ’s. Here is just one of the many pieces I plan to write in the coming semesters, about our incredible athletics at Salisbury University.

November 12, 2017
By Benjamin Brunner

---

    It was the 19^th annual Regents Cup at Seagull Stadium in Salisbury, Md., between the Salisbury Seagulls and the visiting Frostburg State University Bobcats on Saturday. I arrived around 12:45, and it was so cold, I had to use my cheeseburger as a hand warmer. It was a great experience, because I got to put my sportswriter hat back on for the first time in years, and I had always wanted to write about a football game. The magical moment came around 12:55 p.m., when the colors were marched onto the field, and the national anthem was played. The entire stadium went silent. And no one knelt. After that rare and brief moment of unity, it was time to put nose-tackle-to-gridiron.

    FSU won the toss, and elected to defer. Salisbury started the game with the ball, and a 27-yd kickoff return. Everything seemed to be going well, until the Gulls fumbled and turned the ball over on the 3^rd play of the first drive. The Bobcats took over with great field position, and the SU Defense held, forcing a quick three-and-out. Instead of kicking an easy field goal from the 24 yard line, FSU made a strange decision to go for it on 4^th down, and turned the ball over on downs. Quarterback Brandon Lewis mostly ran and handed the ball off during the 1^st, but he made several first downs. Both defenses held until the end of the opening quarter, when the Gulls drove the ball down to the 26 yard line of Frostburg. A guy behind me kept yelling “I smell a touchdown!”, but the aroma soon faded, when a Salisbury three-and-out led to a missed field goal attempt to start the 2^nd quarter. Midway through the 2^nd, a roughing-the-passer penalty by SU put FSU on the path to 6. Two plays later, a leaping, one-handed catch off of a tipped pass, led to the first score of the game from Sergio Andino, putting FSU on the board and on top, 7-0 after the extra point. Soon after, a Salisbury fumble and a Salisbury interception both led to nothing, and the half ended with FSU still on top.

    If there were enough balls dropped to cover New Year’s Eve for the next millenium in the first half, the 2^nd half had more flags than the United Nations. The Bobcats started the 2^nd half of The Pigskin Ballet with a drive taking them to the Salisbury 13 yard line. The payoff? A blocked field goal attempt. The blocked field goal must have been the take off point for the Seagulls; the ensuing drive led to a 42 yard run to the end zone…negated by an Illegal Shift penalty. The SU defense delivered, however, holding the Bobcats to a goose egg in the 3^rd Quarter.

    Several FSU mistakes in the 4^th quarter, including a muffed punt, led to Salisbury’s first score of the game: a 47 yard touchdown run by SB Malique Pratt to tie the game at seven-all with 12 minutes to go. The Bobcats continued to folly, negating a 40-yard catch and run to the end zone with an illegal block-in-the-back. Lucky for Frostburg, back-to-back 15-yard penalties by Salisbury put the Bobcats in great position to…punt the ball back to the Seagulls after TWO MORE penalties totaling 25 yards. With 15 seconds to go, Salisbury had the win in their hands with a 40 yard field goal attempt…and missed it. So, it’s on to overtime!

    FSU won the overtime coin toss, and chose to play defense. On 3^rd down, the Gulls threw an interception to FSU, who was then backed up to the 40 yard line because of a taunting penalty. FSU blew their opportunity to win the game, missing a field goal and taking the game to double overtime! In double sudden death, FSU started at the 25 and scored a touchdown almost immediately, to make the score 14-7. But wait! Salisbury still has a turn to give us an early Christmas gift: a 3^rd overtime! The Gulls started at the 25, and fumbled the ball on the second play. FSU recovered, and the Regents Cup was retained by Frostburg.

    Both teams could still be entered into the NCAA Division III tournament and the Eastern CAC Football Fest. The Seagulls finished the season with a 7-3 overall record, and a 7-2 conference record. The Bobcats finished 9-1 overall and 8-1 in the NJAC.