June 2, 2016: NBA Finals Special Edition

Tonight is the very first game of a repeat from last year. The NBA Finals, starring LeBron James and the Cavaliers versus Stephen Curry and the Warriors. Just for fun, let’s say it’s Monday June 20th. We’ve gone seven games in the series, and everyone is still coming down from the exciting high of an NBA Postseason that came down to the very last shot. What would the review look like?

Game 1:
    Before the game, LeBron James repeated his statement about Curry’s place as the season MVP, saying he’s not necessarily the best player in the league, but he’s definitely not the best player in the building. He then enters the arena to a loud chorus of boos, and a shower of Rice-a-roni. Watching at home, Dwayne Wade daydreams about the day he’ll be by LeBron’s side while being showered with rice. The actual game is a run-of-the-mill shootout, with the Warriors winning 101-98

Game 2:
In Game 2,  LeBron James goes for the Oscar, flopping more than Nicholas Cage’s career; but the refs aren’t buying it. By halftime, the score is 62-56 with the Warriors on top, and James has seen the court floor more times than Lindsay Lohan. In the second half, the Warriors hit a hot streak late in the fourth quarter, and come away with the win. 112-101.

Game 3:
The Warriors come out swinging, and so does Draymond Green. During a huge block up top, Green “accidentally” hits Kyrie Irving square in the face and gets a technical. Undetered, he slaps Irving in the head after being fouled on a fast break. This is his damning flagrant, and he is ejected. On the way out of the arena, Cavs fans chant “How ’bout them nuts?” Bewildered by the sudden change in fortune, Stephen Curry starts missing three’s, and loses focus (and the game). Cavs win, 99-94. Draymond Green is suspended for the rest of the series.

Game 4:
To the tune of post-Super Bowl 50 Cam Newton, Stephen Curry mumbles his way through a pre-game press conference. where reporters drill him about last night’s game and his loss of focus. Afterwards, his daughter won’t even give him a good luck kiss before the game (ouch). During the game, Curry looks lost and LeBron James looks pumped. The game still manages to be exciting, but the Warriors fall once again, 103-97. Curry’s daughter starts packing.

Game 5:
Over the weekend, Stephen Curry gains a new lease on life. He hasn’t lost yet, and he’s determined not to. He’s beaten the Cavs once, he can do it again. As he enters the arena, he gives LeBron James a confident smirk, which James gives right back. Suddenly, the magic has returned. The heart-stopping back-and-forth that The Association is known for comes blazing in like a Heat-wave (only without Bosh and Wade). LeBron James breaks the NBA Finals record for points, Stephen Curry breaks the NBA Finals record for 3-point shots, and Draymond Green, who is watching from home, breaks his foot from kicking over a bowl of walnuts. The game runs 3 hours, with 125 commercial breaks for timeouts in the fourth quarter. The game is won by the Warriors, 124-122

Game 6:
 Sorry, Verizon is on strike again, so my internet-based cable subscription went out and I missed the game. I heard it went into something called “overtime” though. Can’t be that important. I think the Cavs won.

Game 7:
     It’s down to the rubber match, and both teams’ legs feel like rubber. All of the media outlets are going insane. Dwayne Wade is at the game, wearing a Cavs’ Cheerleading outfit. Only one team can take home the championship. The other team gets to drive the refs home after the game. The tension is higher than an 80’s rock star. LeBron is sweating worse than Jared Fogle when he entered prison and met “Big Tim”. So is Stephen Curry. The ref tips the ball into the air…
I’m going to bed. This has dragged on long enough. I don’t even care anymore. I saw this episode last year anyway. Who’s going to win? I don’t know, maybe the Warriors. Maybe the Spurs. I forgot who’s even playing, I’m already nodding off. Wake me up when the NFL season starts.

…and that’s My Three Cents.


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