June 6, 2016

With contributions by:
Ronnie Andrew, Senior Editor

Cold Case PA

The fat hit the fan, or rather, the fan hit the bat-ter on Saturday Night at Citizens Bank Park, when a disgruntled spectator threw a beer at Philadelphia Phillies First Baseman Ryan Howard. Apparently, the beer was as terrible as his pinch-hitting performance. Since I don’t condone violence, I am pleased to report that authorities have identified the man. However, while looking up the police report, we uncovered another file on Mr. Howard: A missing persons report. Evidently, Ryan Howard’s talent hasn’t shown up at a Phillies game in some time:

Name: Ryan Howard’s Talent
DOB: You mean Decreased On Base percentage? Yes.
Last seen: About five years ago
Height: 2005 Season
Weight: Doesn’t carry much anymore
Eyes: Not on the ball


The Nats Say Nay To Trea

On Friday,  Top Nationals Prospect Trea Turner went 3-for-3 with a walk and a double.Because of this below-par performance, the Nationals have announced that he is being sent back to Triple-A Syracuse. Excellence at shortstop is a definite no-no in Washington, where Danny Espinosa has secured his place with a strong .196 BA (as treaturner.pngopposed to a terrible .312 BA from Turner). There may be other reasons for this decision though. Maybe he was spending too much time on-base, and enough time connecting with teammates. Maybe he hasn’t had enough errors. He also hasn’t punched Bryce Harper yet. Stop being so good, rookie. Then you’ll be a Nationals starter in no time.


So Sport Utility Means It Can Play Outfielder?

The Houston Astros have a new outfielder. Range Rover Evoque (he must be French) was called up from the parking lot Saturday, and made a terrible appearance. He never moved from the same spot, even taking a Carlos Gomez fly ball to the head (er, roof). rover and astro.jpg

Rookie Tyler White even walked angrily from home plate to the outfield to make Evoque move. It turned out Evoque was actually an SUV, not a player. It was an easy mistake, according the umpires in a post game press conference. With their bad vision and all, they thought it was a Chevy Astro. The Range Rover is being sent down to AAA Fresno for repairs. The team doctor (mechanic) says it’ll be on the IR for a week or so, which really means 2-4 weeks.


…and that’s My Three Cents


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