May 19, 2016

Quoth the Raven “Pinafore”
    The Baltimore Ravens have wowed us yet again. It’s a groundbreaking idea. They want the NFL to require players who designate themselves as “eligible receivers” to don…wait for it…a pinnie before entering the field of play. This has brought joy to some teams, and dismay to others. Three of the four NFC East teams are quite excited, mistaking the “pinnie” for a “pinafore”, and expressing their excitement in getting to watch the Dallas “Cowgirls” run around the field in dresses. I stopped by Tom Brady’s home the other day, where he was wearing an apron. I told him it was all a misunderstanding, that it’s a pinnie, but it was too late. He was already baking a Chocolate Souffle. But he was having difficulty. He just could keep the delicate dish from deflating. Oh well, I guess that’s just desserts.

R.G. Me
    In the endless search for answers as to why Robert Griffin III failed in Washington (while denying the fact that he was a one-and-done and that’s just how it goes sometimes), an interesting story has come to light. Apparently, in 2013, RG3 met with coaches Matt LeFleur and Mike Shanahan, and offensive coordinator Kyle Shanahan, at the team’s HQ in Virginia. During this meeting, the sixteen-time starter proceeded not to ask them what he was doing wrong, but to tell them what was wrong with their playbook. Talk about adding insult to knee injury. At least now he’s in a place where they could use some playbook advice (the Cleveland Browns). Judging from their recent performance, their players might as well be playing tic-tac-toe with the playbook.

Rrrrrr Ye Ready For Some Football?
    A recent survey of 504 Native Americans by The Washington Post (1.) found that 9 out of 10 Native Americans are not offended by the name “Redskin”. So does that finally settle it? I mean, if they aren’t offended by it, why should we be? Oh yeah, that’s right. Being offended by things is what’s “in” right now. Well then, let me join the crowd. Since I self-identify as a pirate (self-identifying is “in” right now too, boys and girls), I’d like to announce that I am offended by the Oakland football team’s name: The Raiders. Their logo clearly displays a pirate, holding a dagger in his teeth, poised for violence. But not all of us pirates are heathens that raid ships, kill their crews, steal their possessions, and illegally download copyrighted material. Some of us are peaceful, Rum-drinking, parrot-owning, upstanding members of society. And I, for one, actually, buy my CD’s and DVD’s. You know who should be really offended for being associated with such a terrible team?

…and that’s My Three Cents


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