June 30, 2016

Cleveland Brownbaggers


Roger Goodell REALLY has me scratching my head on this one. The NFL has issued a four-game suspension to Johnny Manziel, for violating the league’s substance abuse policy. Let’s check Johnny’s record in this topic. Actually, I just looked at the list of times he has abused a substance, and it’s longer than Hillary Clinton’s inventory of pantsuits. Are you guys morons? Yes, I know Mr. Manziel announced that he will begin the process of becoming sober on July 1st. Here’s your first clue that this will be a disaster: he set a date to start being sober. If you’re serious about it, you’ll start TODAY, not at the end of the week. Does this mean he’s going for a party-spree until Friday? Plus, the NFL season starts in SEPTEMBER. It takes longer than two months to get sober. Are they going to hire someone to knock on his hotel room door every day to make sure he gets to practice? Dunkin Donuts, get ready for some serious patronage from the Browns staff. This is going to be like babysitting while trying to direct an action movie. And what’s going to happen on the sidelines? Beer pong using the Gatorade cups? Crashing the team owner’s Ferrari into the ticket window? Spiking the water jugs? I’m not saying this is going to be a total disaster; I’m just saying the radio announcer who covered the Hindenburg crash would have a heart attack as an announcer for Browns games if Johnny Manziel plays. I can see it now: he’ll make sure to complete 4 out of 20 pass attempts every game, just so he can see “4/20” under his name on Sportscenter.




 

Does This Model Come Standard With Beast Mode?


I’ve never seen someone go so bat-crazy over a car before.

I’m Just Here So I Lose My Mind

Be thankful Marshawn Lynch doesn’t talk to the media. The entire interview would be bleep-outs. He uses expletives more than Peyton Manning uses “Omaha”. He is also seen flipping through channels on an LED panel like he’s never seen a remote or a TV before. Has he been living in North Korea for the past 10 years? Maybe he’s staying at Dennis Rodman’s old place. Anyway, Marshawn Lynch may have moves on the field, but not on the dance floor. He bombs (and f-bombs) during the entire video (later he admits he doesn’t have moves, he just “lets it flow”; he must mean the traffic, because he looks like he’s directing traffic while having a seizure whenever he tries to dance). And apparently “mans don’t take selfies with mans”, but they talk about cuddling?  We also learned some new words like “autonomo” and “frunk”. I don’t need to digress: this video does it for me.




 

Happy An-knee-versary Honey!


Sometimes, I think they should have a separate Twitter for celebrities called “Chirper”. The things they say make just about as much sense, and sometimes you wonder what bird-brain assistant told them “You should tweet this!” Here’s an example for your viewing pleasure:

kirkcousinstweet1.png
Image Credit: twitter.com/KirkCousins8

Sorry Kirk, your wife doesn’t look like a muscular college football player. I know, he was making a jab at the Redskins’ move to get Robert Griffin III, which was mistake number 2. NEVER use your anniversary for your own agenda. Agendas are the female’s job. The only nasty burn you should be delivering on your anniversary, is one to your hand while cooking an amazing spaghetti dinner for your wife. By the way, you did make one good move…comparing your exes to draft picks. Thinking of her husband’s old flames as big sweaty men really makes a girl feel special.




 

…and that’s My Three Cents

 

Sources:
1. “Cleveland Brownbaggers”

http://espn.go.com/nfl/story/_/id/16645061/nfl-suspends-johnny-manziel-4-games

2. “Does This Model Come Standard With Beast Mode?”

3. “Happy An-knee-versary Honey!”

http://www.csnmidatlantic.com/washington-redskins/what-kirk-cousins-trying-say-anniversary-tweet

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