May 18, 2016

With contributions by: Ronnie Andrew, Senior Editor
Mutombo Jumbo (or is it Dijumbo)
    The NBA Draft Lottery happened last night at 8PM est. Three teams were projected to win the number one draft pick: The LA Lakers, The Boston Celtics, and the Philadelphia 76ers. The 76ers came away with the number one pick, which came as a surprise to no one…especially not Dikembe Mutombo. He predicted six and a half hours before the lottery even happened, that Philadelphia would win.
Of course, this led to many speculating that it was a conspiracy; that the Draft was fixed. My take? There is DEFINTELY a conspiracy going on here…Mutombo is psychic. Of course, there’s also evidence to the contrary. Like the time that Shaq dunked on him. I bet he didn’t see that one coming.


Ready…Aim…FIRE HIM!!!
    And so, it’s firing season. The first victim: Fredi Gonzalez. He was fired after starting the season 9-28. This got me thinking…hey, maybe they could give me a shot at managing!!! First, I’d put my sweatshirt on home plate like any manager desperate for wins would do (like your predecessor, Bobby Cox). Then I wouldn’t trade away all of my good players. Atlanta’s trades we’re like trading away your school lunch for a gumball (it won’t last as long, and it’ll leave you hungry for more). I would also concentrate on playing good players, not expensive players. So you wasted $34.7 gazillion dollars on a guy who suddenly couldn’t catch Zika from a mosquito farm. Great, let him sit on the bench. He can answer the hate-mail I’ll get for bashing the Braves.


 
Would You Like A 2nd Down Pillow With That?
    Tom Brady will go to great lengths to avoid missing games. Who knew he would also go to great lengths to get his beauty sleep: Tom Brady’s Mattress Commercial So, we finally get to see Tom Brady’s secret chamber, where the air is let out of his footballs. Now that he can no longer get away with that act, the room is now his personal…? There’s no sheets, no pillows, not even a blanket, so he’s not sleeping. Is it a cushion to use while practicing the art of faking hard hits and then crying about them? Did he simply just want a luxurious way to take out his frustrations over his suspension? Was he going to get pillows sent up to the room, to build a pillow fortress of solitude, where The Giants and Roger Goodell can’t get to him? I guess we’ll never know. Maybe he just needed a new mattress because he deflated his old air mattress too many times.


…and that’s My Three Cents
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