July 6, 2016

Golden State Avengers: Assemble!


Can we discuss how it seems like Joe Lacob and Peter Guber seem to be assembling the NBA version of the Avengers? Let’s analyze who they have so far this offseason:

Thor: Kevin Durant

He was once the God of the Thunder, and he tried to defeat the evil villain Lebroki on his own, but he couldn’t do it alone.

Hulk: Draymond Green

He uses his rage as a weapon to smash the balls of every enemy.

Captain America: Steph Curry

The fearless leader of the Golden State Avengers, he has an impenetrable shield known as his MVP.

Iron Man: Klay Thompson

He may be a mouthy trash-talker, but he has all the tools to take down the enemy.

Hawkeye: Andrew Bogut

His 3-point-field-goal shots always hit their target.

Black Widow: Anderson Varejão

Sometimes he’s there, sometimes he just disappears.

 

Coming to the small screen, fall 2016.




 

Jaguars Don’t Float;Not Even The Newer Models


The preseason hasn’t even started yet, and the Jacksonville Jaguars’ offense is beginning to sink. Literally. According to reports, running back Denard Robinson was found asleep at the wheel of a sinking car Sunday Morning.drowningjaguar.jpg He was accompanied by an unidentified female. D’awww, you didn’t just take her to the lake, you took her into the lake. It’s a good thing the air bag didn’t deploy; it would have taken him down for a loss immediately. The model of the car was not released, but my money is on the X-Type.




 

Substance Abuse: Serious Issue; Domestic Abuse: AND THE CROWD GOES WILD!!!


Jose Reyes of the New York Mets is quite the hitter. Sometimes he chokes. He can grand slam, but sometimes he just drags on. None of these traits are part of his baseball career: they are part of his marriage. Last October, when Reyes was in Hawaii with his wife, he reportedly choked and slammed his wife against a door after dragging her out of bed. Sheesh, even his family vacations are a slug-fest. Before you get all bent out-of-shape, I know that domestic abuse is not funny; but this slime deserves to be roasted. So do his fans, who cheered him upon his return to Mets Stadium last night (reports say the cheering section was led by Ray Rice). Even more deserving of ridicule is this filthy fan-creature:

“What he did during the offseason is none of my personal business,” said fan Joe Devine as he walked toward the stadium. “If he beat on his wife, none of my personal business. He wants to play baseball, let him play baseball. If he can hit, fine..”

We were later informed that when Devine returned home, he found out his wife can hit pretty good too.

(“What, no pictures?” No. How am I supposed to portray domestic violence in a funny manner. Leave that to Family Guy.)




 

…and that’s My Three Cents

 

Sources:
1. “Golden State Avengers: Assemble!”

My genius brain that you will one day find on eBay.

2. “Jaguars Don’t Float;Not Even The Newer Models”

http://espn.go.com/nfl/story/_/id/16805027/denard-robinson-jacksonville-jaguars-found-asleep-sinking-car

3. “Substance Abuse: Serious Issue; Domestic Abuse: AND THE CROWD GOES WILD!!!”

http://deadspin.com/jose-reyes-cheered-by-mets-fans-upon-return-after-domes-1783190751

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