May 24, 2016

Lined-up in the Dimebag Offense
    Here we go again. Another argument for marijuana. Another athlete saying we need to use it in sports. At least it’s not a P.E.D. this time, but a P.I.D. (Performance Inhibiting Drug). Ravens Tackle Eugene Monroe is the advocate this time, and while he may want to be high, his numbers certainly aren’t. According to pro-football-reference.com (1), he has only started 28 games (only 6 in 2015) during his 3-year career with the Ravens. His essay is titled “Getting off the T-Train”, which sounds like a bio about a young rapper trying to make it in New York City. Featured in his essay, are the details of a concussion he sustained last season, and how “football is pain”. He’s onto something there. A defender under the influence of weed isn’t going to a ball carrier very hard at all. In fact, he’d probably step back and say “Hey man, I got chu. You’re just tryin’ to get that contract. Go ahead, make that play!” This would lead to the game being more about accurate passing attempts (sorry Bradford), and clock management. Monroe also wrote “I’m not here advocating for NFL players [or anyone] to get high and party while breaking the law…” You don’t need to Mr. Monroe. Plenty of players already have that covered.


How Lo Can You Go?
    First it was Chad “Ochocinco”. Then it was “All in for Week One”. Every star athlete has to have some kind of a gimmick. I get it. You want to be known for something. J.J. Watts, a defensive end for the Houston Texans has decided on something unique: a logo. I have no problem with that. Thing is, this is the logo:
    Hmmm. Is this a Rorschach test? I see…four buildings at Times Square? A multi-dimensional bar graph? Am I sane yet? Oh, silly me! It’s two J’s! And a W! And two 9’s (his number is 99) if you turn it upside down! And it’s self-cleaning! And portable! And it’s laying on some restaurant prep table, so it must be perfect for fruits and vegetables! No seriously, I have a better idea. Brace yourselves. This is earthshaking. A slogan: “99 Watts of Pure Defensive Energy”. And the logo?


And the Catching Hand Bone’s Connected to the, Throwing Arm Bone
    When asked if his top receiver (Sammy Watkins) is injury prone, the Buffalo Bills’ GM Doug Whaley, Ph. D of anatomy, had this to say: “…it’s a violent game that I personally don’t think humans are supposed to play”. Damn! I thought I was onto something when I found that Scripture that said “…and on the seventh day, God created the football player and said “…aaaannd the kick is good!” So if football isn’t for humans, who’s it for? Dogs? No, they’re for fighting, Michael Vick already cleared that up for us. Budweiser seems to think horses can play football. I seem to remember that an archaeological dig once unearthed a horse in the act of kicking a pig…


…and that’s My Three Cents


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