May 30, 2016

Warning: Do Not Point This Article Directly At Your Eyes

You know how when you were in high school, if you were caught playing with a laser pointer, there was that one goody-goody kid who just had to tell the teacher? Well, the New York Mets are that kid, and the Dodgers just suck. Clayton Kershaw is the only thing on the field that’s brighter than a laser, and rookie manager Dave Roberts just looks lost. So the organization came up with a brilliant idea: use a super-futuristic toy to fix their problems. The Mets, jealous of this new toy, called the principal’s-ahem-league office. Apparently they were using this laser-positioning system to strategically line up their defense on the field. Listen, as long as your outfielders aren’t standing in the parking lot, and your basemen aren’t lined-up at the hot dog stand, positioning isn’t your problem. If your players can’t pitch and catch, you should have used the money to invest in lasereye surgery.



 

Not Going Anywhere in the Playoffs for Awhile? Have a Snicker.

After Game 5 of the Western Conference Playoffs, professionalism was at its peak, when Russell Westbrook and Kevin Durant took the podium for a post-game press conference. When asked if Golden State’s Stephen Curry was underrated on defense, Westbrook let out a guffaw that would put any middle-schooler to shame. In an attempt to be the adult in the situation, Kevin Durant answered for him with your typical he’s-okay-the-whole-defense-is-okay-we-just-do-what-we-do speech. C’mon Durant, you aren’t fooling us! We obtained a special audio transcript from the duo’s conversation on the way to the press conference:

[Durant] Hey Russ, why can’t Curry play with Legos?
[Westbrook] I don’t know, man.
[Durant] ‘cuz he doesn’t know anything about blocks.
(They both snicker)
[Durant] Dude, dude, why do people make fun of Curry at bars?
[Westbrook (still laughing)] Why man?
[Durant] ‘cuz he can’t knock down shots.
(Both burst out laughing)

Later, when Durant asked Westbrook to dinner, he answered “Nah man, I’m full. I had Curry for dinner”.



 

Mareefer Morris?

The legal troubles continue for Washington Wizards forward Markieff Morris. On Thursday, Morris was stopped and held at Philadelphia International Airport, after police found what they thought was marijuana in a checked bag belonging to someone in his group. The Wizards say they “spoke with Markieff earlier today [Thursday] and will continue to gather more details”. (1) As of the writing of this article, no more details were available, but I have a hunch. The Wizards are expected to sign injury-prone Bradley Beal to a max deal (5 years, approx $124 million)(2). They have to ensure a return on their investment, so the Wizards told Morris to acquire “something” for “medicinal purposes” to help Beal.



 

…and that’s My Three Cents

Sources:

(1)
http://www.nydailynews.com/sports/basketball/markieff-morris-detained-airport-suspected-marijuana-article-1.2652204

(2)
http://espn.go.com/nba/story/_/id/15785302/washington-wizards-expected-offer-maximum-contract-bradley-beal

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