May 17, 2016

The “Dear Barry” Advice Column
Dear Barry: I’m a baseball player from Las Vegas, Nevada. I’ve made a few contributions to my team, but I don’t feel like I’m accomplishing much. I’m a three-time all-star, one-time National League MVP, and I’ve won three awards. I play right-field in Washington DC, with a career batting average of .287, a career RBI of 277, and 108 career home runs. What am I doing wrong?
Sincerely,
Botching in Washington
Dear Botching: Steal bases. Lots of bases. Steal ‘em like you’re O.J. stealing back his memorabilia. And try the “cream” and the “clear” stuff.


Take My Tickets, Please
    In a (not so) stunning deal, created to shove even more advertisement down our throats, the NBA has approved a deal with teams, allowing them to wear the logos of their sponsors on said team’s jerseys. The first such deal has been officially approved. The Philadelphia 76ers will proudly be wearing the Stub-Hub logo. Huh. Guess they have to sell 76ers tickets somehow. But really, are we even going to be able to see the logos during the game? The only way this benefits us, is if it means less commercial breaks. In fact, they could replace commercials with more player interviews. That would mean more screen time for the logos. It’s not as if we’ll be listening to what they’re saying anyway (“ya know, uh, we have to, ya know, play better on D, ya know, it’s a challenge, but, ya know, we’re a team, and, ya know, it’s a team effort, um, so we’ll pull together”). Makes you wonder which logos the other teams will choose. If Kobe was still playing, he’d be a shoe-in for AARP. Life-alert would be great for the Heat, seeing as they recently choked in the playoffs.


I’ll Show Ya How to Cover Home Plate, Ump!
    When you argue strikes and balls, be sure to know how to cover your tracks. In last night’s game between the Detroit Tigers and the Minnesota Twins, Tigers Manager Brad Ausmus had a problem with umpire Doug Eddings’ strike box during the fourth inning. After a lovely discussion with Eddings’ Ausmus was ejected. His comeback. Covering home plate with his sweatshirt. What was his point? You couldn’t see it before, now you’ll never see it? Umpires tried to remove the sweatshirt from home plate, but were met with aggressive growls and murmurs about being “stuck in that guys closet for months”. The sweatshirt continued to taunt players in the style of that anthropomorphic cheese wheel in the cheesy-crackers commercials. After the game, the sweatshirt received many television offers, most of which were detergent commercials.


…and that’s My Three Cents.
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