The End of All Manning-Kind

By Benjamin Brunner

 

Did you hear the news? Eli Manning got benched! If you didn’t know, you obviously don’t subscribe to social media, because everyone who’s a fan of number 10 (besides fans of Megan Markle…she’s a ten on my list) is deliriously despaired. “This is the first time he hasn’t started since 2004!” “Where will he go next year?” “Will Ben McAdoo get fired?” “The Giants are tanking!” “My fantasy team!” “No one’s left to beat Brady!”

Stop.

This is bad for us, because now we get double the Manning-exposure (the Nationwide commercials are officially surpassing the Progressive commercials on the Unbearable Commercials Chart). However, it could be good for the Giants. Coughlin is gone. Even before he left, his coach-quarterback duet with Eli only had one claim to fame…they could beat the Patriots. Ever since McAdoo came to town, it’s been pretty quiet. Maybe it’s time to rethink the franchise. I heard Jeff Fisher wants to coach in the NFL again…sorry, that was a terrible joke. Seriously though, the days of Odell Beckham’s one-handed catch and Victor Cruz’s salsa dancing are in the rear view mirror. Change is good. Don’t be sad that it’s over, be happy that it happened. And if you’re smart, never use two cliches in the same column like I just did. That’s a Giant no-no. Watch it on the puns too.

So I hope we all learned something here today. Geno Smith is not the future of any New York team. Tom Brady is unstoppable. And don’t worry about Eli Manning. He’ll be back to playing in no time. Or he could always retire and do insurance commercials that are about everything except insurance.

That’s just My Three Cents
BB

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Bee-Squad

The Honey-nut Cherrios Bee went missing last month. Here’s the real reason why:

The iconic honeybee mascot of Honey-nut Cheerios disappeared from the box labels of the General Mills cereal early in March, as part of a campaign to raise awareness of the sudden disappearance of honey bees all over the world. Unfortunately, recent events have unveiled a serious cover-up.

This past Thursday, a preseason game between the San Diego Padres and the Colorado Rockies at Peoria Sports Complex in Arizona was invaded by a swarm of bees, possibly led by the missing mascot. Sources who may have been at the complex at the time of the invasion, may have told us they heard barely audible voices saying things such as “Breakfast of Chumpions” and “Be happy, be healthy m—-r f—-rs”. Local authorities have surmised that this may be retaliation for the decades-long “Wheaties campaign”, where the cereal has been touted as the “Breakfast of Champions” and has featured the images and autographs of countless star athletes. The simultaneous disappearance of the mascot and the swarms of honey bees, may also be linked to the swarm that was responsible for the attack Thursday.

So far, no suspects are in custody. Ice-cold milk has claimed responsibility for the deliciousness of both cereals. We reached out to General Mills for comment, who had this to say:

 

“What in the hell are you talking about?”

 

My Three Cents will continue to provide details as they become available at local grocery stores.




-BB