May 12, 2016

Emmanuel or Automatic?
    As the Denver Broncos offense experiences a significant loss in horsepower, WR Emmanuel Sanders has his own idea for boosting (his) morale:

Denver Broncos wideout Emmanuel Sanders spoke with ESPN’s Hannah Storm on Tuesday and said this:

“You kind of expect that, when a guy gets to free agency, it’s tough not to pass up that kind of money. I’m happy for Brock. I want a Lambo from Brock because I caught a couple of those passes, he got that big deal. So, Brock, I’m expecting a Lambo so Hannah and I can go on a ride.”

Apparently he wants this as a “thank-you gift” from Brock Osweiler, who recently signed a 4-year, $72 million contract with the Houston Texans. I’m sorry Mr. Sanders, how much did you receive in your contract? $15 MILLION. And it’s OS-WEILER not ORPAH-WINFREY. I don’t get a car, you don’t get a car, none of us get a car. I guess it doesn’t hurt to ask, though. Just be sure to get Peyton Manning to insure it for you. Speaking of whom…


Oh, the Antici-Peyton
    There is quite a lot of speculation about what Peyton Manning will do, now that he’s retired. Will he coach the Tennessee Volunteers? Will he join the staff of the Miami Dolphins? My guess is no on that last one. He’s looking to start a new career, not end one. Just please, for the love of God, anything but more Nationwide commercials. I have nothing against the company, nothing! It’s his commercials. The world needs more Chic-ken-Parm-you-taste-so-good as much as I need a Lamborghini. Every time I see one of those commercials, I sing along: I-can’t-take-more-of-this-crap.


In the Next Issue of GRONQ…
    This morning, Rob Gronkowski tweeted an image of the cover of GQ’s June issue. No, it wasn’t a picture of his poor wallet lined with only $2.25 million instead of $4.75 million. The cover was of Gronkowski carrying model Hailey Clauson on his shoulders. It’s not the first time he’s carried a girl on his shoulders (cough-Tom Brady-cough). According to GQ.com, the article is about “living Gronkishly” and “exist(ing) in a permanent shower of champagne spray and nightclub-foam-party-foam”. I have no idea what either of those things mean. The only foam I care about is the foam on my cappuccino, and it not being on my cappuccino, because I prefer to pay $9 for coffee, not air.


…And that’s My Three Cents.
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May 11, 2016

Bryce for Impact
    Our beloved 2015 Major League MVP Bryce Harper is facing possible suspension this week, after he expressed his love for the game to an umpire in a not-so-loving way during Monday’s game. Harper was ejected for doing something UNHEARD OF at a baseball game…telling the umpire that he was wrong. Not long after this cardinal sin, pinch-hitter Clint Robinson hit a game-winning home run. Harper’s reaction? He ran out onto the field and cursed out the umpire. What a class act! It’s a wonder none of his own teammates has tried to choke some sense into him yet.

Alexander the Eight
    Oh, Ovechkin. How do I love thee? Let me count the goals. 50 in the regular season. 1st place overall in scoring. You had an amazing season. You did an impressive job rallying the Washington Capitals back during both series against the Flyers and the Penguins. Just like Alexander the Great, you are a legendary Russian, and you led your people to many victories. All good things must come to an end, however. Hopefully you have it in you to bring us the Stanley Cup in the end next year. Until then, do svidanya i udachi.

Oh Say, Can You Three?
During the Canadian National Anthem at Monday night’s game between the Raptors and the Heat, superstar Dwayne Wade made the decision to honor Canada in his own unique way: by continuing his warm-up routine and ignoring the anthem completely. NBA League rules do state that all players must stop what they are doing and line-up to show respect for BOTH countries’ anthems. Wade later apologized in a statement on Tuesday, saying he has “great respect” for Canada, and that he “did not mean any disrespect”. He also stated that he “wanted to be first in line” to honor the anthem during the next game. Unfortunately, the League denied his request to enter the stadium on a horse, dressed as a Royal Mountie and carrying the Canadian flag while drinking maple syrup straight from a bottle, to the tune of Justin Bieber’s “Never Say Never”.

…and that’s My Three Cents

May 10, 2016

Four Quarters (Basketball Edition)
    Yesterday, Stephen Curry of the Golden State Warriors became the first NBA player in history to become the league’s MVP (Most Valuable Player) by a unanimous vote of 131. Shaquille O’Neal came up short by one vote in 2000, and LeBron James (who was 3rd in overall votes this year) missed the record by just one vote in 2013. I did not contact King James for comment, knowing he would be too busy watching Looney Tunes episodes on repeat to prepare for his upcoming role in “Space Jam 2”.

One…Two…Three Cents Is All We Have Left
    The Washington Nationals announced a huge payday for Stephen Strasburg today. $175 Million, with a 7-year extension and more trimmings than a Thanksgiving dinner. Soon, they’ll be singing “buy me some peanuts and Crackerjacks…no seriously, we’re broke”.

News in the World of Athletes Not Named Stephen

Sam Bradford, notable star of the injury reserve list, former Rams quarterback, and current starting (?) quarterback of the Philadelphia Eagles has returned to training camp, after requesting a trade and being fashionably absent from this year’s training camp. In other news, Philadelphia area drug stores are bracing for a shortage in ankle braces and Ace bandages.


…And that’s My Three Cents.