Since it’s Friday the 13th, I thought I’d take this opportunity to congratulate TE Rob Gronkowski of the New England Patriots! Mr. Gronkowski was recently chosen to grace EA Sports’ hit video game Madden ‘17. A special bonus comes with this honor: …THE MADDEN CURSE…
To commemorate this occasion, here are the top three unlucky things that might happen to Rob Gronkowski, as a result of this curse:
3. “Hello, Mr. Gronkowski? This is GQ Magazine calling. We decided to make a late change to our June cover. Is Tom there?”
2. His party bus gets towed. Where does he go to look for it? The podiatrist’s office.
1. His kitten from the ESPN the Magazine photo shoot grows up and decides to play baseball instead of football.
All Dogs Go To Heaven, and All Cats Go To Los Angeles
It seems that the LA Angels have a new player. During their game against the Cardinals, a cat wandered onto the field (I told you to pick up your smoked salmon flavored sunflower seed shells, junior!) and started running toward the stands faster than any of the Angel’s outfielders could ever run. I don’t know about this kid. He just came up from the meow-nors. Then again, with only thirteen wins, I guess the Angels could use as many paws on deck as they can get. This just in: the Miami Marlins mascot is taking a personal leave of absence during the team’s series in Los Angeles.
Wimbledons & Bits
And so, we have reached the end of the world. Where celebrities run for President and Serena Williams posts a video where she tries to defend her choice to try dog food. You can’t make this stuff up: Serena Williams’ Snapchat story about eating her dog’s food Okay so let’s have a little chat, shall we? Firstly, a multi-course meal for a dog? The last (insert here word that rhymes with “witch” and use your imagination boys and girls) I bought a $60 dinner for was my ex-girlfriend. Secondly, you ate WHAT? I don’t care if it looks the same as human food. You don’t see anyone walking into Pier One Imports and eating the plastic apples! Thirdly, the real zinger: why on earth would you tell the INTERNET about the gastronomical consequences??? Then again, I guess she hasn’t dropped that many deuces since her match against Angelique Kerber in the 2016 Australian Open (sorry, I couldn’t resist).
Knock Hard, or Ram the Door Down?
In scanning the sports news of the day, I happened to notice that the first trailer for this year’s season of Hard Knocks was just released. The stars: The Los Angeles Rams. My first thought was “Hollywood, of course they’re going to do a TV show”. It’s going to be the “Football Husbands” alternative to “Basketball Wives”. The trailer shows them unpacking, playing cards, lifting, soaking in what I hope was a hot tub (or should I not hope?), and flinging around something that looked like a cross between a fish and a tire. What’s next? Is Nick Foles going to be the next Napoleon Dynamite? Will Todd Gurley finally show off his ballet skills? (Look up his Jolly Rancher commercial). Will the defense even show up? They didn’t last year. It doesn’t really look like a “hard knock” life for them in this show, but they could always have Johnny Hekker play Little Orphan Annie:
As the Denver Broncos offense experiences a significant loss in horsepower, WR Emmanuel Sanders has his own idea for boosting (his) morale:
Apparently he wants this as a “thank-you gift” from Brock Osweiler, who recently signed a 4-year, $72 million contract with the Houston Texans. I’m sorry Mr. Sanders, how much did you receive in your contract? $15 MILLION. And it’s OS-WEILER not ORPAH-WINFREY. I don’t get a car, you don’t get a car, none of us get a car. I guess it doesn’t hurt to ask, though. Just be sure to get Peyton Manning to insure it for you. Speaking of whom…
Oh, the Antici-Peyton
There is quite a lot of speculation about what Peyton Manning will do, now that he’s retired. Will he coach the Tennessee Volunteers? Will he join the staff of the Miami Dolphins? My guess is no on that last one. He’s looking to start a new career, not end one. Just please, for the love of God, anything but more Nationwide commercials. I have nothing against the company, nothing! It’s his commercials. The world needs more Chic-ken-Parm-you-taste-so-good as much as I need a Lamborghini. Every time I see one of those commercials, I sing along: I-can’t-take-more-of-this-crap.
In the Next Issue of GRONQ…
This morning, Rob Gronkowski tweeted an image of the cover of GQ’s June issue. No, it wasn’t a picture of his poor wallet lined with only $2.25 million instead of $4.75 million. The cover was of Gronkowski carrying model Hailey Clauson on his shoulders. It’s not the first time he’s carried a girl on his shoulders (cough-Tom Brady-cough). According to GQ.com, the article is about “living Gronkishly” and “exist(ing) in a permanent shower of champagne spray and nightclub-foam-party-foam”. I have no idea what either of those things mean. The only foam I care about is the foam on my cappuccino, and it not being on my cappuccino, because I prefer to pay $9 for coffee, not air.